Before and After: The Return of a Favourite Shirt

I found a shirt in my closet, something that hasn't fit in years -- decades. In all the many closet purgings I've done, I always held on to this shirt. 

I bought it at an outdoor music festival, a great indulgence at the time, but I loved it and splurged. It's hand-dyed batik, and no matter how many times I wore it, it always looked new. Even though it hasn't fit since the late 90s, I never had the heart to get rid of it. 

Yesterday I had to travel a little for work -- a wonderful treat in this almost-maybe-post-pandemic time. I wanted to wear something special, but all my dressy clothes are way too big. So I tried on this shirt. And it fit. 

This led me to dig out my "before" pics. I took these in my hotel room the night before my surgery.

October 25, 2020

May 14, 2021

I didn't have this surgery to change my appearance. If being overweight was only about lookism, I would have stayed heavy forever. I did this for my health. But the side benefit of feeling better about how I look is really nice!

I've also been working on being less photo-phobic. This is not really a function of my weight or size. I'm just extremely camera-shy and can't stand to see photos of myself. Over the last few years, I've been working on being more relaxed about it. So posting these photos here is A Big Thing. 

More About Clothes, Plus an Amusing Phone Call

I've written before about my clothing dilemma: whether to buy now or wait until my weight-loss stops. 

I have already bought -- and am wearing -- pants in a new size. With a big reduction in my girth, my pants were suddenly too long! So I'm now wearing the pants size I wore for most of my life, last worn 12 years ago. Fun! 

But all my t-shirts and cotton sweaters -- the clothes I live in -- are billowing. Several people have suggested buying a few new tops, because it will feel great to fit nicely into a smaller size. I've been reluctant to do this, for various reasons -- but I recently took the plunge.

I actually don't know what size I am now! So I'm starting there: sizing. I ordered one t-shirt and one cotton sweater, each in two different sizes. After I know which fits, I'll proceed with a few more.

Plot twist: I got a call this week from the bariatric clinic in my province, asking if I am still interested in joining the program! This doesn't mean I was offered surgery. You can expect to be in the program for a minimum of one year before getting a date for surgery, and it can be two years or more -- while I'm already enjoying the new me. 

And now my good fortune at being able to have the surgery in Mexico has freed up a spot for someone else. Win-win! But really, I feel more like win win win win win win.

May 1 Weigh-In

Pounds lost since last weigh-in: 2

Total pounds lost so far: 49

I've lost another two pounds and I'm very pleased!

I'm especially pleased because (a) I was mentally preparing myself for a plateau, and (b) we were away for a few days this month, and I ate differently. I didn't overeat -- I can't -- but I did let myself loosen the reins a bit on food choices. I was prepared to declare this worth it, even if it slowed down my weight loss for one month. 85% thinking, right? But I despite this, I lost two more pounds. Yay!

I am now 11 pounds away from my "soft goal" weight.

That weight, by the way, is still 20 pounds more than my supposedly ideal weight. But that weight -- 70 pounds lost -- does not seem possible or sustainable. So I'm sticking with current weight minus 10 as my "soft goal". 

But if I don't lose another 11 pounds, I'm fine with that. I promise. I'm feeling so good, and losing (almost) 50 pounds permanently is reward enough.

April 1 Weigh-In

Pounds lost since last weigh-in: 2

Total pounds lost so far: 47

It seems my weight loss has now slowed to my "normal" rate, what I was capable of losing if I hadn't had surgery -- 0.5 pounds per week, or 2 pounds per month. The difference, however, is that in the past, those 2 pounds meant being hungry all the time -- literally all the time -- which would ultimately make the diet unsustainable.

I do feel disappointed that I didn't lose 5 pounds over the past month, as I had in previous months. But I have to move beyond that. I'm eating very healthfully, not overeating, getting more exercise than I ever have, and feeling really well. My fasting blood glucose level is back to normal. I must focus on the larger picture, and consciously not focus on the number on the scale.

Is this the beginning of the end, the signal that I will soon plateau at a new weight? Or will I continue losing 2 pounds per month? 

My secret goal weight, my "soft goal," is 13 pounds away. Most people who've had this surgery lose weight for 12-18 months, so it's possible. But I want to prepare myself mentally that it might not happen.

Clothing, Plus Another Word About Poop

My clothes are swimming on me. 

I do have some smaller t-shirts that I haven't worn in many years, which I'm now wearing comfortably. But they're weekend and after-work clothes. I have no smaller clothes for work, and everything is billowing. 

I thought I would wait until my weight-loss stops, and then begin to build a new wardrobe. I'm reluctant to buy an interim size.

I am buying new bras soon. Bras can't wait. In fact, I'm using a trip to a bra-fitting boutique as an excuse for a small family getaway. 

I try to only buy quality clothing that is durable. I hate buying things that very quickly look awful or become unwearable. So I usually spend more -- which makes me reluctant to shop for clothes that may be too large a few months later. 

I should also add that I hate shopping. Poking around in thrift shops for $3 t-shirts is not an option for me. I shop online, which I find easy and efficient. My go-to is Lands' End. (It used to be either L.L.Bean or Lands' End, but over the years I've gradually phased out Bean in favour of Lands' End.) 

Maybe this is a time to buy a few very inexpensive items, as a bridge? It pains me to think of buying cheap, poor-quality clothing. But spending a lot of money on good clothing doesn't make sense right now either. Maybe I just need to live with the overly large t-shirts for a while longer.

Not sure what to do! File this under #GreatProblemToHave.

* * * *

On the topic of poop, I will say literally one word. And that word is constipation. 

OK, four more words. It is not fun.

The Average: My New Best Friend

This week I again started to worry that I'm eating too much. I'm eating only when I'm hungry, and tiny portions. On the other hand, I'm often hungry, and many days I eat slightly more than my goal calorie intake. 

I'm speaking with WRD monthly now, so I spoke with her about this. She reminded me:

* My goal is made up! There is no set amount of recommended calories per day that I'm supposed to be eating. I arrived at my calorie goal through guidelines and self-awareness.

* Calorie content is all approximate. The numbers on the packages -- or in my app -- are not exact. Obsessing over small differences in daily intake is pointless.

* Calorie tracking is a tool. It's meant to help me stay on track, not to control my eating. I should be controlling my eating based on feelings of satiety, and I'm doing that.

* I'm exercising 60 minutes/day, six days/week. Maybe I need a bit more more fuel.

* I'm still losing weight.

* I'm still eating about one-third of what I ate before surgery.

This all made me feel better, for a while. Then the nagging worry returned. 

I jumped on the scale -- thank you to R, who encouraged me to give myself permission to do this sometimes! -- and saw I had lost a few pounds since my last weigh-in. 

Then I searched online several times for something that would make me feel better. And I found it: the average.

Some days I eat more. Some days I eat less. What's my average calorie intake over one week or two weeks? 

I went back through the tracking app and chose random periods of time. And guess what? It's all fine. 

I did a weekly average for several different weeks, plus two-week averages, and a couple of monthly averages. Fine, fine, fine. In fact, my average daily caloric intake is remarkably consistent. 

This is a big relief. I'll try to remember it next time I start to worry.

What Is My Ideal Weight? Why I Don't Have a Goal Weight

Motivational advice has become a cottage industry during the pandemic. Advice on how to set goals, how to reach goals, how to adjust your attitude, how to stay motivated, how not to sabotage yourself, how this and how that, have proliferated online like mushrooms after a rainstorm. 

Many people are experiencing "motivation fatigue". On social media, you see a lot of  "stop telling me how to meet my goals... I just want to get through the day".

85% goal-setting: it's not SMART

Most motivational advice involves goal-setting -- especially so-called SMART goals. If somehow you've managed to escape this over-used acronym, it stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely. The company I work for is obsessed with SMART goals. We're always writing them, planning for them, evaluating them, re-assessing them. 

But while I'm forced to use SMART goals in my professional life, I consciously don't use them in my personal life. My problem with SMART goals are the S and the T. For me, specific goals with deadlines are exactly what I don't need. 

Since recognizing that my biggest obstacle was all-or-nothing thinking -- since understanding that 85% thinking would be a healthier way to live -- I have chosen not to create specific goals and never to give myself a deadline. (There are some exceptions to this... because even 85% thinking is subject to 85% thinking!)

Instead, my life goals are all about process. 

Here are two examples of process goals from my life. 

• Rather than say, I will read x number of books this year, I say, I want to devote more time to reading, and come up with strategies to help me do that.


• For the past year, I have been re-learning how to play piano. My goal is simply to continue to learn how to play. The process of learning is the goal.

For me, as soon as I attach a specific -- I will read 30 books this year, I will learn how to play Summertime -- the experience is ruined, or at least diminished. If I can play Summertime but I still make mistakes, have I failed? What about a more complicated version of the song -- does my simple version "count"? What if I start a book and don't finish it, does that count? What if I read only 28 books -- what happens? 

I do use habit-tracking. I track various healthy habits that I want to incorporate into my life, and I like to see as many x's in as many boxes as possible. But not every box is checked every day. Some days, all the boxes are empty! And some days they are extra full. I find the act of tracking habits to be motivating, so I use it. But my goal-setting is general, rather than specific, and has no timeline attached.

If you know that staying motivated is difficult for you, and your habits run more to procrastination, then goal-setting and SMART goals could give you structure and direction. But if, like me, you are too disciplined, and your habits run more towards obsession and perfectionism, then SMART goals can become straightjackets.

So where does this leave me in terms of weight loss?

No one can tell you how much weight you'll lose from bariatric surgery. Post-surgical weight loss is measured as percent of excess weight loss (%EW). Estimates run from 40%EW to 80%EW. That's wide range! Plus, your ideal weight is also expressed as a range, usually plus or minus 20 pounds. So I can't say with any certainty how many pounds of excess weight I have, and I can't predict how many of those pounds I'll lose!

And the lowest weight you reach after surgery is likely not your final destination; most people re-gain around 10% of the weight they lost.

So what's a realistic goal? Who knows!

I probably have 70-ish pounds of excess weight. But is losing 70 pounds a realistic goal? Who knows!

In the back of my mind, I did think it would be good to lose at least 50 pounds, and right now that seems likely to happen. But if ultimately I lost 45 pounds, and my health outcomes improved greatly, is that a failure, and should I obsess on losing five pounds more? No and no. 

TL;DR: I'm trying really hard to not obsess on the number on the scale, but to focus on health and how I feel. That's why I've chosen not to have a weight goal. I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing and we'll see where it takes me.

March 1 Weigh-In

Pounds lost since last weigh-in: 5

Total pounds lost so far: 45

First Blood Tests Post-Surgery: Result!

When I began this blog, I wrote about a health scare that jolted me into taking action about my weight: I had an elevated fasting glucose level. It wasn't diabetes, but it was considered the "pre-diabetes" range.

A fasting glucose level of 7 or higher on two consecutive readings spells diabetes.

Since 2017, my fasting blood sugar readings have been between 6.3 and 6.7.

(US readers: 6.3 equals approximately 113. 6.7 = 120. The best conversion site on the internet can help! Or here's a conversion chart.)

This terrified me. I already have more than one chronic illness that requires a lot of maintenance. I can't even think about having diabetes on top of that.

I used this fear as motivation to change my eating and exercise habits, as best as I could. I drastically changed and reduced my diet, so it more closely resembled how I ate when I was much thinner.

No result. 

I also started taking supplements that are supposed to reduce blood sugar.

No result.

My frustration with this, and my seeming inability to control my hunger and stop gaining weight, led me to research bariatric surgery.

So. This week I got the results of my first bloodwork since surgery, at the three-month mark. 

Fasting glucose: 5.4 (97.2 US). Normal.

Another relevant test is the Hemoglobin A1c (HbA1c), which measures blood sugar over time. Health Canada considers a fasting HbA1c level of 4 to 7 (72 to 126 US) normal. Mine was 6.4, is now 5.9.

My liver enzymes have been elevated since around 2007. Normal ALT levels are between 10 and 55. Mine was 98, now 21. 

I was so happy to hear this!

All other readings were normal, except certain vitamin levels were very high. I am taking all the supplements recommended post-bariatric surgery, but because I'm also eating a very healthy diet, I can lower my supplement levels.

Every doctor, both when I had the surgery and with my follow-up, has said that I will no longer need cholesterol or blood pressure medication. That is typical of people post-bariatric. However, I don't expect this to be the case for me. I've had high cholesterol my entire adult life, including when I was thin, and when I was a vegetarian. 

Similarly, my hypertension (high blood pressure) has never responded to diet and exercise. My mother and my sister have the same, and they are both very slim and get a lot of exercise. My hypertension appears to be genetic. My doctor suggested continuing to monitor my blood pressure, and to note if I feel any symptoms of low blood pressure, and we could try lowering the dosage.

I'm so pleased about this and actually looking forward to my March 1 weigh-in.

Feeling Really Well: Increasing Daily Calorie Target Range and Allowing Myself a Mid-Month Weigh-In if I Want One

I am feeling really well! 

You may recall, I had a little freak out a couple of weeks ago (here, here, and here), and with the help of friends and readers of this blog, and a meaningful session with WRD, I was able to get back under control. 

Now it feels like that little earthquake threw me into a new place. 

I'm ticking off all the boxes on my healthy habits checklist almost every day, and days when I can't or don't, I can accept it: 85% thinking.

I increased my daily caloric range by 100 calories: from 1000-1300 to 1100-1400. This slight adjustment makes it much easier to stay within the range every day, which means it's probably what I need. 

WRD suggested I de-emphasize the calorie target in favour of mindful eating, but I don't feel ready for that. I still feel the need to track my food daily, and that means checking portion sizes, grams of protein, and calories. It's like wearing a seat belt -- a simple act that takes very little time and keeps you safer. I'm still working on mindful eating (driving under the speed limit?) (enough of this metaphor), but tracking my eating decreases my anxiety, increases my peace of mind.

After excellent advice I received from you all, I'm also letting myself hop on the scale an extra time or two, if I feel the urge. Once my weight hits a plateau, weekly weigh-ins are a good idea, and I'd like to be able to do that without going back to daily or more-than-daily weight checks. We'll see. I'm willing to experiment with this one.