The Challenge of Obsessive Thinking (the Eating Disorder Spectrum)

Obsessive thinking is back. 

I'm remembering how awful this feels, how it sucks up energy, how it clouds the mind, making rational decision-making a monumental task.

Obsessive thinking about diet and weight is one reason I gained so much weight. I had been so trapped in the dieting cycle, so unhappy with my own unrelenting focus on my weight, that once I liberated myself from it, I was afraid to take one step towards it again. That wasn't the only reason for my weight gain, but it was definitely in the mix.

Now I have to monitor my eating and weight very carefully. That's what I agreed to when I decided to have the surgery. Most days it's all right. But sometimes I feel the obsession creeping back. 

About one day each week, I feel noticeably hungrier, and I eat a little more. I tell myself that this shouldn't matter. I tell myself: 

• It's one day a week. Most days I am well within the low end of the preferred calorie range.
• It's only about 300 calories.
• It's only because I'm hungry. I'm not eating out of boredom or from stress.
• Even with this few hundred extra calories, I'm eating way less than I did before the surgery.
• I'm getting a lot of physical exercise, so a few extra calories once a week is not going to hurt my weight loss.
• This is a lifelong process. It's not going to be perfect every day.

I run down this checklist of rational thought, but the truth bounces off the wall of obsessive thoughts, and I can't convince myself. I think about these extra calories... and think, and think, and think. The thoughts run around a hamster wheel in my mind.

The next step down this slippery slope is weighing myself. 

This week I searched for -- and found -- where my partner has hidden the scale, and jumped on. It's my form of bulimia. My obsessive thoughts are triggered and I reach for the scale.

This is what I was afraid of, and I do not want to do this.

Last night I told P a bit of this, and he suggested I ask someone about it, like WRD. I said I knew exactly what WRD would say. She'd say exactly what I'm telling myself. But I should tell her anyway. She always has good ideas, maybe she knows some tricks that I haven't tried. 

I do not want to do this!