Update: One Month on the Minus-50 Plateau

It's been a month. Lots of good stuff has been happening.

• I'm still tracking my eating, and I feel like I'll be doing that for a long time to come. It gives me more peace of mind, and is very easy to do, so it's a very worthwhile habit. 

• I bought a whole bunch of new clothes! It feels wonderful to put them on. 


• I'm walking 5 kms 5-6 days/week, and usually once each week I walk a 7-km loop around our little town. It takes me past the bay, where there are eagles and herons, and snow-capped mountains in the distance. 


• I've discontinued one of two blood-pressure medications. I still take several other meds, and my goal has never been to discontinue any of them. But it's still a nice little perk.


• All my other bloodwork is normal -- blood sugar, liver enzymes, etc.

I'm weighing myself too often, but I'm trying hard not to obsess.

The last time I was the weight I am right now, I thought I was a fat oaf. I dieted obsessively, weighed myself constantly, hated my appearance, and was desperate to lose 25 pounds or more. 

Yet this is the weight at which my weight-loss settled. My post-surgery weight-loss gradually slowed and then stopped. So I feel that this must be my new normal weight, the weight that I can comfortably maintain.

However, the medical establishment and the weight-loss industry do not agree with me. According to BMI calculators, I am still obese. 

Now, I am not skinny. You might say I am "chubby" or "somewhat overweight" or similar expressions. But I could not rightly be called obese. 

Those same calculators say that my ideal weight is a minimum of 30 pounds less than I am now, giving a range of 30-50 pounds less! At current weight minus 30, I would be quite thin. Even if I could reach that weight (which is highly unlikely), I would never be able to maintain it. Current weight minus 50 is ridiculous. That would be my weight when I was 17 years old. 

From another perspective, the caloric intake per day needed to maintain my current weight is -- supposedly -- almost double what I am eating now. According to the information above, based on my size and what I am eating, I should be losing a pound per week. But I'm not. I'm maintaining my supposedly obese weight.

Something is seriously amiss.

I understand that being very overweight is not healthy. I get that. But the guidelines of what is supposedly healthy is conveniently aligned with the diet industry and all the other consumerism that feeds off people's unhappiness and insecurities.

When I say, above, The last time I was the weight I am right now, I thought I was a fat oaf, I can also say: today, at this weight and size, I feel great.

Before and After: The Return of a Favourite Shirt

I found a shirt in my closet, something that hasn't fit in years -- decades. In all the many closet purgings I've done, I always held on to this shirt. 

I bought it at an outdoor music festival, a great indulgence at the time, but I loved it and splurged. It's hand-dyed batik, and no matter how many times I wore it, it always looked new. Even though it hasn't fit since the late 90s, I never had the heart to get rid of it. 

Yesterday I had to travel a little for work -- a wonderful treat in this almost-maybe-post-pandemic time. I wanted to wear something special, but all my dressy clothes are way too big. So I tried on this shirt. And it fit. 

This led me to dig out my "before" pics. I took these in my hotel room the night before my surgery.

October 25, 2020

May 14, 2021

I didn't have this surgery to change my appearance. If being overweight was only about lookism, I would have stayed heavy forever. I did this for my health. But the side benefit of feeling better about how I look is really nice!

I've also been working on being less photo-phobic. This is not really a function of my weight or size. I'm just extremely camera-shy and can't stand to see photos of myself. Over the last few years, I've been working on being more relaxed about it. So posting these photos here is A Big Thing. 

More About Clothes, Plus an Amusing Phone Call

I've written before about my clothing dilemma: whether to buy now or wait until my weight-loss stops. 

I have already bought -- and am wearing -- pants in a new size. With a big reduction in my girth, my pants were suddenly too long! So I'm now wearing the pants size I wore for most of my life, last worn 12 years ago. Fun! 

But all my t-shirts and cotton sweaters -- the clothes I live in -- are billowing. Several people have suggested buying a few new tops, because it will feel great to fit nicely into a smaller size. I've been reluctant to do this, for various reasons -- but I recently took the plunge.

I actually don't know what size I am now! So I'm starting there: sizing. I ordered one t-shirt and one cotton sweater, each in two different sizes. After I know which fits, I'll proceed with a few more.

Plot twist: I got a call this week from the bariatric clinic in my province, asking if I am still interested in joining the program! This doesn't mean I was offered surgery. You can expect to be in the program for a minimum of one year before getting a date for surgery, and it can be two years or more -- while I'm already enjoying the new me. 

And now my good fortune at being able to have the surgery in Mexico has freed up a spot for someone else. Win-win! But really, I feel more like win win win win win win.

Clothing, Plus Another Word About Poop

My clothes are swimming on me. 

I do have some smaller t-shirts that I haven't worn in many years, which I'm now wearing comfortably. But they're weekend and after-work clothes. I have no smaller clothes for work, and everything is billowing. 

I thought I would wait until my weight-loss stops, and then begin to build a new wardrobe. I'm reluctant to buy an interim size.

I am buying new bras soon. Bras can't wait. In fact, I'm using a trip to a bra-fitting boutique as an excuse for a small family getaway. 

I try to only buy quality clothing that is durable. I hate buying things that very quickly look awful or become unwearable. So I usually spend more -- which makes me reluctant to shop for clothes that may be too large a few months later. 

I should also add that I hate shopping. Poking around in thrift shops for $3 t-shirts is not an option for me. I shop online, which I find easy and efficient. My go-to is Lands' End. (It used to be either L.L.Bean or Lands' End, but over the years I've gradually phased out Bean in favour of Lands' End.) 

Maybe this is a time to buy a few very inexpensive items, as a bridge? It pains me to think of buying cheap, poor-quality clothing. But spending a lot of money on good clothing doesn't make sense right now either. Maybe I just need to live with the overly large t-shirts for a while longer.

Not sure what to do! File this under #GreatProblemToHave.

* * * *

On the topic of poop, I will say literally one word. And that word is constipation. 

OK, four more words. It is not fun.

I Tried on Some Clothes and Almost Cried from Happiness and Relief

On a post from December 12, I wrote:

The other exception is a collection of professional wear, especially beautiful jackets (the kind some people call blazers or suit jackets). 

Beginning a new career in 2013, I needed new clothes, first for interviewing, then for working. Making peace with my body -- at that time largest I had ever been -- I found a great store that sold plus-size petites. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but when you are short and heavy, this is an incredible lifesaver. They also made shopping easier, with salespeople you can book in advance, so you can shop by yourself, but still have someone going back and forth to get different sizes and ideas for outfits.

This store's clothes were exactly the right mix of dressy and casual, and I started building a new professional wardrobe. The jackets were especially brilliant -- really stylish, but still classic, and they fit beautifully. 

I wore these jackets for several years. I must admit, dressing well and having clothes that fit nicely increased my confidence. 

Then one day I noticed with horror that the jackets no longer fit as well as they should; they were too snug. Then no longer fit, full stop. I kept them, but stopped wearing them.

Yesterday I tried on my favourite jacket... and it fits. It's actually looser than when I bought it. I felt so good. No longer being able to wear these jackets was like a symbol of defeat -- of hopelessness. Buttoning it up felt like a big win.

I actually don't have any reason to wear this jacket now! Maybe I'll just wear it around the house for no reason. 

A List of Good Things that Have Happened Since my Surgery

For the first time since making the decision to have bariatric surgery, I'm struggling. That in itself is pretty good. I decided in September 2019, so it's been nearly a year and a half with no significant issues. 

I can't and won't deny the issues I'm having right now, but a comment from my friend and blog reader "mkk" made me stop and take stock.

Up to now, any negatives I've experienced were physical, such as pain from eating too quickly, or nausea from eating too much, or the dreaded constipation. I expected things like this and -- although yucky while they are happening -- they're not a big deal.

The negatives I'm experiencing now are mental and emotional, and we all know those kinds of issues can be much more difficult and persistent. There are two issues.

• I am obsessing. Obsessing on calories, portions, weight.
• My appetite has hugely increased. This is very concerning to me, because if this whole process becomes an issue of willpower... it will not be sustainable. More about this in a future post. I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

Here are the positives that have taken place so far.

• I was terrified of the pre-op fasting, and it turned out to be fine. 
  
• I traveled to the surgery and back -- multiple flights and hotel stays -- with zero problems.
• My experience at the hospital in Mexico was excellent. 
• I traveled to the US and Mexico and back and did not get covid!
  
• Throughout my recovery, I was on paid work time, and working from home, so it was easy to work with the post-op eating plan and other self-care.
• A month before the surgery, I received a check in the mail -- out of the blue, totally unexpected -- that covered the full costs of the surgery! We ended up paying only for transportation, which was very manageable.
  
• My physical discomfort while recuperating was minimal.
  
• I've lost 39 pounds. This includes a sneak-peak at the scale in mid January. Without this surgery, losing almost 40 pounds was completely impossible.
• I'm comfortably wearing t-shirts that haven't fit me in 10 years.
  
• My low-back pain has returned to levels I experienced in the early 90s -- easily dealt with with a few stretches.
• My knees feel much better.
• An issue I was having with my bladder has disappeared. 
• My ankles and feet are no longer swollen -- a condition that was chronic.
• I am less self-conscious about my appearance in video-conference meetings (Zoom, Teams, Hangouts). This feels really nice.
  
• I'm still enjoying food! I was afraid that the surgery would rob me of this basic enjoyment, and that has not happened. This is wonderful.
• I'm still enjoying cooking, and my partner and I are eating mostly the same food.
  
• I'm able to eat almost anything in small quantities. I'm choosing not to eat unhealthy food, but if I wanted to have a small portion of something on my "avoid" list, I could. Having choices rather than being told what I can and cannot eat is important to me and much more sustainable.
  
• With my knees and back feeling better, I am already more physically active, and I'm feeling the rewards of that every day.
  
• And this is all without knowing the results of any bloodwork. I have my first post-op tests in early February.  

 Really great. 

The two issues I mentioned above are real, and they are troubling me. But they are not the whole story.

Week 7: Protein Requirements, the Tiny Stomach, Clothing

I've been introducing soft foods into my diet in a totally random and haphazard way. 

I'm still eating the pureed food I prepared. We bought more muffin tins, so I was able to make larger batches, fill the cups with half-cup portions, and freeze several tins. But I'm also eating canned fruit, oatmeal, soup that has not been pureed, well-cooked sweet potato, a scrambled egg, peanut butter, and so on. 

I'm gradually weaning myself off the pureed foods, but I will probably keep some of that in my diet for a long time.

Getting enough protein

I'm completely sick of smoothies, but without them, it's very difficult to meet the protein requirements while not overeating -- even while adding protein powder to foods like soup or oatmeal. Some days I give myself a break from the smoothies, but when I calculate the grams of protein on those days, it's always borderline. 

Experimenting with different flavours in the smoothies hasn't helped. I'm sick of drinking so much frothy liquid. But I must do it. 

Once I'm done with all the transition phases, and I'm on a regular post-bariatric eating plan, the protein requirements will be reduced. Still a lot, and still very important, but the difference between 70-120 grams/day (post-surgery) and 60-70 grams/day (regular bariatric diet) is significant. 

So, for now, smoothies it is.

The tiny stomach

Learning to eat more slowly continues to be a painful challenge. 

Last night, for example, I wanted the 16 ounces of milk that I normally use for a smoothie, mixed with this turmeric "golden mylk" blend. It was late and I wanted to finish it up and go to bed. Instead of sipping the milk, I glugged about half of it. 

The results were agonizing -- sharp pain, nausea, bloating -- and lasted more than two hours. 

Looking back through my food diary, I see this is happening less frequently, so I've made some progress. I guess I just have to keep trying.

Clothing

A few readers have asked me about buying new clothes. I'm not rushing to do that any time soon. Like many women, my history with chronic dieting and body image can make buying clothes a stressful and unpleasant experience. 

This has improved a great deal by shopping online, and by my hard work at self-acceptance. But even so, I don't want to buy clothes in a smaller size until I am sure I can maintain that size. Honestly, clothes shopping is not something I even want think about yet.

However... there are some clothes at home that I'm thinking about.

I have a large number of graphic tees -- the kind I wouldn't wear to work, but generally wear all weekend and while working from home -- that I really like, that haven't fit for several years. These are shirts with logos of a certain sports team, from social-justice activism, and so on. I never got rid of these. They were already larger than I liked, and were in good shape... so I just hung on to them, and tried not to think about them.

Now I am gradually starting to wear them again. That's pretty cool. 

The other exception is a collection of professional wear, especially beautiful jackets (the kind some people call blazers or suit jackets). 

Beginning a new career in 2013, I needed new clothes, first for interviewing, then for working. Making peace with my body -- at that time largest I had ever been -- I found a great store that sold plus-size petites. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but when you are short and heavy, this is an incredible lifesaver. They also made shopping easier, with salespeople you can book in advance, so you can shop by yourself, but still have someone going back and forth to get different sizes and ideas for outfits.

This store's clothes were exactly the right mix of dressy and casual, and I started building a new professional wardrobe. The jackets were especially brilliant -- really stylish, but still classic, and they fit beautifully. 

I wore these jackets for several years. I must admit, dressing well and having clothes that fit nicely increased my confidence. 

Then one day I noticed with horror that the jackets no longer fit as well as they should; they were too snug. Then no longer fit, full stop. I kept them, but stopped wearing them.

A couple of years ago, my partner and I relocated, and these jackets are now too dressy for my present situation. I bought some sweaters -- long, open-front cardigans -- to wear over dressy t-shirts. This let me change my look and buy larger-size clothing without feeling awful about no longer fitting into those jackets.

Now I am looking forward to putting on these jackets, and buttoning them, and feeling that I have reached a goal -- not the final destination, but a landmark along the way. However, I don't want to go near the jackets until I am certain that they will fit. So I'm waiting.