Update: One Month on the Minus-50 Plateau

It's been a month. Lots of good stuff has been happening.

• I'm still tracking my eating, and I feel like I'll be doing that for a long time to come. It gives me more peace of mind, and is very easy to do, so it's a very worthwhile habit. 

• I bought a whole bunch of new clothes! It feels wonderful to put them on. 


• I'm walking 5 kms 5-6 days/week, and usually once each week I walk a 7-km loop around our little town. It takes me past the bay, where there are eagles and herons, and snow-capped mountains in the distance. 


• I've discontinued one of two blood-pressure medications. I still take several other meds, and my goal has never been to discontinue any of them. But it's still a nice little perk.


• All my other bloodwork is normal -- blood sugar, liver enzymes, etc.

I'm weighing myself too often, but I'm trying hard not to obsess.

The last time I was the weight I am right now, I thought I was a fat oaf. I dieted obsessively, weighed myself constantly, hated my appearance, and was desperate to lose 25 pounds or more. 

Yet this is the weight at which my weight-loss settled. My post-surgery weight-loss gradually slowed and then stopped. So I feel that this must be my new normal weight, the weight that I can comfortably maintain.

However, the medical establishment and the weight-loss industry do not agree with me. According to BMI calculators, I am still obese. 

Now, I am not skinny. You might say I am "chubby" or "somewhat overweight" or similar expressions. But I could not rightly be called obese. 

Those same calculators say that my ideal weight is a minimum of 30 pounds less than I am now, giving a range of 30-50 pounds less! At current weight minus 30, I would be quite thin. Even if I could reach that weight (which is highly unlikely), I would never be able to maintain it. Current weight minus 50 is ridiculous. That would be my weight when I was 17 years old. 

From another perspective, the caloric intake per day needed to maintain my current weight is -- supposedly -- almost double what I am eating now. According to the information above, based on my size and what I am eating, I should be losing a pound per week. But I'm not. I'm maintaining my supposedly obese weight.

Something is seriously amiss.

I understand that being very overweight is not healthy. I get that. But the guidelines of what is supposedly healthy is conveniently aligned with the diet industry and all the other consumerism that feeds off people's unhappiness and insecurities.

When I say, above, The last time I was the weight I am right now, I thought I was a fat oaf, I can also say: today, at this weight and size, I feel great.

New Mailing List for 85% Thinking

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June 1 Weigh-In: Reaching a Milestone, Working on Not Being Obsessed

Pounds lost since last weigh-in: 1

Total pounds lost so far: 50

I did it! I lost 50 pounds! I don't know why the difference between 49 pounds and 50 feels so good... but it does!

* * * *

As I inched towards the 50-pound mark, I started weighing myself more frequently and was beginning to obsess again. 

I went back and read this post: What Is My Ideal Weight? Why I Don't Have a Weight Goal. I need to read this frequently. I don't want this experience to turn into a diet trap, the "trying to lose that last 10 pounds" scenario that I struggled with for so many years. 

Here's what I need to do.
1. Buy a few more clothes that fit at the size I am right now.
2. Continue eating and exercising the way I have been.
3. Weigh myself monthly.
4. Stop writing this blog for a while, unless there is a significant change. 

My weight-loss may end at 50 pounds, or it may continue moving slowly but downward. Either way, I want to focus on the positive, and not on losing more weight.

Thank you for reading and for all your support. 

Before and After: The Return of a Favourite Shirt

I found a shirt in my closet, something that hasn't fit in years -- decades. In all the many closet purgings I've done, I always held on to this shirt. 

I bought it at an outdoor music festival, a great indulgence at the time, but I loved it and splurged. It's hand-dyed batik, and no matter how many times I wore it, it always looked new. Even though it hasn't fit since the late 90s, I never had the heart to get rid of it. 

Yesterday I had to travel a little for work -- a wonderful treat in this almost-maybe-post-pandemic time. I wanted to wear something special, but all my dressy clothes are way too big. So I tried on this shirt. And it fit. 

This led me to dig out my "before" pics. I took these in my hotel room the night before my surgery.

October 25, 2020

May 14, 2021

I didn't have this surgery to change my appearance. If being overweight was only about lookism, I would have stayed heavy forever. I did this for my health. But the side benefit of feeling better about how I look is really nice!

I've also been working on being less photo-phobic. This is not really a function of my weight or size. I'm just extremely camera-shy and can't stand to see photos of myself. Over the last few years, I've been working on being more relaxed about it. So posting these photos here is A Big Thing. 

More About Clothes, Plus an Amusing Phone Call

I've written before about my clothing dilemma: whether to buy now or wait until my weight-loss stops. 

I have already bought -- and am wearing -- pants in a new size. With a big reduction in my girth, my pants were suddenly too long! So I'm now wearing the pants size I wore for most of my life, last worn 12 years ago. Fun! 

But all my t-shirts and cotton sweaters -- the clothes I live in -- are billowing. Several people have suggested buying a few new tops, because it will feel great to fit nicely into a smaller size. I've been reluctant to do this, for various reasons -- but I recently took the plunge.

I actually don't know what size I am now! So I'm starting there: sizing. I ordered one t-shirt and one cotton sweater, each in two different sizes. After I know which fits, I'll proceed with a few more.

Plot twist: I got a call this week from the bariatric clinic in my province, asking if I am still interested in joining the program! This doesn't mean I was offered surgery. You can expect to be in the program for a minimum of one year before getting a date for surgery, and it can be two years or more -- while I'm already enjoying the new me. 

And now my good fortune at being able to have the surgery in Mexico has freed up a spot for someone else. Win-win! But really, I feel more like win win win win win win.

May 1 Weigh-In

Pounds lost since last weigh-in: 2

Total pounds lost so far: 49

I've lost another two pounds and I'm very pleased!

I'm especially pleased because (a) I was mentally preparing myself for a plateau, and (b) we were away for a few days this month, and I ate differently. I didn't overeat -- I can't -- but I did let myself loosen the reins a bit on food choices. I was prepared to declare this worth it, even if it slowed down my weight loss for one month. 85% thinking, right? But I despite this, I lost two more pounds. Yay!

I am now 11 pounds away from my "soft goal" weight.

That weight, by the way, is still 20 pounds more than my supposedly ideal weight. But that weight -- 70 pounds lost -- does not seem possible or sustainable. So I'm sticking with current weight minus 10 as my "soft goal". 

But if I don't lose another 11 pounds, I'm fine with that. I promise. I'm feeling so good, and losing (almost) 50 pounds permanently is reward enough.

April 1 Weigh-In

Pounds lost since last weigh-in: 2

Total pounds lost so far: 47

It seems my weight loss has now slowed to my "normal" rate, what I was capable of losing if I hadn't had surgery -- 0.5 pounds per week, or 2 pounds per month. The difference, however, is that in the past, those 2 pounds meant being hungry all the time -- literally all the time -- which would ultimately make the diet unsustainable.

I do feel disappointed that I didn't lose 5 pounds over the past month, as I had in previous months. But I have to move beyond that. I'm eating very healthfully, not overeating, getting more exercise than I ever have, and feeling really well. My fasting blood glucose level is back to normal. I must focus on the larger picture, and consciously not focus on the number on the scale.

Is this the beginning of the end, the signal that I will soon plateau at a new weight? Or will I continue losing 2 pounds per month? 

My secret goal weight, my "soft goal," is 13 pounds away. Most people who've had this surgery lose weight for 12-18 months, so it's possible. But I want to prepare myself mentally that it might not happen.

Clothing, Plus Another Word About Poop

My clothes are swimming on me. 

I do have some smaller t-shirts that I haven't worn in many years, which I'm now wearing comfortably. But they're weekend and after-work clothes. I have no smaller clothes for work, and everything is billowing. 

I thought I would wait until my weight-loss stops, and then begin to build a new wardrobe. I'm reluctant to buy an interim size.

I am buying new bras soon. Bras can't wait. In fact, I'm using a trip to a bra-fitting boutique as an excuse for a small family getaway. 

I try to only buy quality clothing that is durable. I hate buying things that very quickly look awful or become unwearable. So I usually spend more -- which makes me reluctant to shop for clothes that may be too large a few months later. 

I should also add that I hate shopping. Poking around in thrift shops for $3 t-shirts is not an option for me. I shop online, which I find easy and efficient. My go-to is Lands' End. (It used to be either L.L.Bean or Lands' End, but over the years I've gradually phased out Bean in favour of Lands' End.) 

Maybe this is a time to buy a few very inexpensive items, as a bridge? It pains me to think of buying cheap, poor-quality clothing. But spending a lot of money on good clothing doesn't make sense right now either. Maybe I just need to live with the overly large t-shirts for a while longer.

Not sure what to do! File this under #GreatProblemToHave.

* * * *

On the topic of poop, I will say literally one word. And that word is constipation. 

OK, four more words. It is not fun.

The Average: My New Best Friend

This week I again started to worry that I'm eating too much. I'm eating only when I'm hungry, and tiny portions. On the other hand, I'm often hungry, and many days I eat slightly more than my goal calorie intake. 

I'm speaking with WRD monthly now, so I spoke with her about this. She reminded me:

* My goal is made up! There is no set amount of recommended calories per day that I'm supposed to be eating. I arrived at my calorie goal through guidelines and self-awareness.

* Calorie content is all approximate. The numbers on the packages -- or in my app -- are not exact. Obsessing over small differences in daily intake is pointless.

* Calorie tracking is a tool. It's meant to help me stay on track, not to control my eating. I should be controlling my eating based on feelings of satiety, and I'm doing that.

* I'm exercising 60 minutes/day, six days/week. Maybe I need a bit more more fuel.

* I'm still losing weight.

* I'm still eating about one-third of what I ate before surgery.

This all made me feel better, for a while. Then the nagging worry returned. 

I jumped on the scale -- thank you to R, who encouraged me to give myself permission to do this sometimes! -- and saw I had lost a few pounds since my last weigh-in. 

Then I searched online several times for something that would make me feel better. And I found it: the average.

Some days I eat more. Some days I eat less. What's my average calorie intake over one week or two weeks? 

I went back through the tracking app and chose random periods of time. And guess what? It's all fine. 

I did a weekly average for several different weeks, plus two-week averages, and a couple of monthly averages. Fine, fine, fine. In fact, my average daily caloric intake is remarkably consistent. 

This is a big relief. I'll try to remember it next time I start to worry.

What Is My Ideal Weight? Why I Don't Have a Goal Weight

Motivational advice has become a cottage industry during the pandemic. Advice on how to set goals, how to reach goals, how to adjust your attitude, how to stay motivated, how not to sabotage yourself, how this and how that, have proliferated online like mushrooms after a rainstorm. 

Many people are experiencing "motivation fatigue". On social media, you see a lot of  "stop telling me how to meet my goals... I just want to get through the day".

85% goal-setting: it's not SMART

Most motivational advice involves goal-setting -- especially so-called SMART goals. If somehow you've managed to escape this over-used acronym, it stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely. The company I work for is obsessed with SMART goals. We're always writing them, planning for them, evaluating them, re-assessing them. 

But while I'm forced to use SMART goals in my professional life, I consciously don't use them in my personal life. My problem with SMART goals are the S and the T. For me, specific goals with deadlines are exactly what I don't need. 

Since recognizing that my biggest obstacle was all-or-nothing thinking -- since understanding that 85% thinking would be a healthier way to live -- I have chosen not to create specific goals and never to give myself a deadline. (There are some exceptions to this... because even 85% thinking is subject to 85% thinking!)

Instead, my life goals are all about process. 

Here are two examples of process goals from my life. 

• Rather than say, I will read x number of books this year, I say, I want to devote more time to reading, and come up with strategies to help me do that.


• For the past year, I have been re-learning how to play piano. My goal is simply to continue to learn how to play. The process of learning is the goal.

For me, as soon as I attach a specific -- I will read 30 books this year, I will learn how to play Summertime -- the experience is ruined, or at least diminished. If I can play Summertime but I still make mistakes, have I failed? What about a more complicated version of the song -- does my simple version "count"? What if I start a book and don't finish it, does that count? What if I read only 28 books -- what happens? 

I do use habit-tracking. I track various healthy habits that I want to incorporate into my life, and I like to see as many x's in as many boxes as possible. But not every box is checked every day. Some days, all the boxes are empty! And some days they are extra full. I find the act of tracking habits to be motivating, so I use it. But my goal-setting is general, rather than specific, and has no timeline attached.

If you know that staying motivated is difficult for you, and your habits run more to procrastination, then goal-setting and SMART goals could give you structure and direction. But if, like me, you are too disciplined, and your habits run more towards obsession and perfectionism, then SMART goals can become straightjackets.

So where does this leave me in terms of weight loss?

No one can tell you how much weight you'll lose from bariatric surgery. Post-surgical weight loss is measured as percent of excess weight loss (%EW). Estimates run from 40%EW to 80%EW. That's wide range! Plus, your ideal weight is also expressed as a range, usually plus or minus 20 pounds. So I can't say with any certainty how many pounds of excess weight I have, and I can't predict how many of those pounds I'll lose!

And the lowest weight you reach after surgery is likely not your final destination; most people re-gain around 10% of the weight they lost.

So what's a realistic goal? Who knows!

I probably have 70-ish pounds of excess weight. But is losing 70 pounds a realistic goal? Who knows!

In the back of my mind, I did think it would be good to lose at least 50 pounds, and right now that seems likely to happen. But if ultimately I lost 45 pounds, and my health outcomes improved greatly, is that a failure, and should I obsess on losing five pounds more? No and no. 

TL;DR: I'm trying really hard to not obsess on the number on the scale, but to focus on health and how I feel. That's why I've chosen not to have a weight goal. I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing and we'll see where it takes me.