I'm feeling very positive about this whole experience so far, but at the same time, I'm also working hard to keep my more negative concerns in check.
You may recall I was concerned about the surgery triggering past behaviours that were harmful to my mental health (here and here). Having bariatric surgery means being very attentive to food choices and portion size. It also means monitoring your weight regularly -- my single-biggest trigger.
These negative thoughts and behaviours are already percolating in the back of my mind. Over the past month or so, I've calculated and recalculated what my final weight may be. Healthy weight is expressed as a range, and the expected percentage of weight loss from surgery is also a range. I'd sit there using the calculator on my phone or computer: what if I lose this much, I'll be this weight, and if I lose this percentage, I'll be that weight -- in all different combinations, thinking myself in circles -- and all to no avail, since I cannot predict the future -- and since ultimately, I have no control over the numbers. You can stick to the plan 100%, but you can't control how many pounds you lose.
Thank goodness I can now talk about this and express it in writing. Eating disorders are almost always secret obsessions, layered in shame. The secrecy allows the disordered thinking to snowball without any other, more rational input.
Eventually I disclosed to my partner that I was doing this. He immediately reminded me that I'm going through this process for my health, not for the number on the scale. And, he said, I'm also avoiding future weight gain. I hadn't thought of that! Even if my "percentage excess weight loss" is on the low end of the range, my weight will stabilize there. As long as I follow the guidelines, I won't continue to gain more weight as I get older -- which up until now, has been happening with each turn of the calendar.
This is also why I'm writing about this: to get it out of my mind. There's no easy solution to behaviours that harm our mental health. They require mental discipline, to recognize the obsessive thoughts as they creep in, and talk yourself out of them. And if I need more help, from WRD or a therapist, I'm totally willing to go there.
I hope that writing about it and talking about it to Allan, to the dietitician, to a therapist, and to others will help you break that cycle. Like you, I feel like I've always been haunted by body image and weight goals. For a long time I weighed myself daily and counted calories. I'd lose weight and regain it faster, much faster, than I'd lose it. And then I'd start all over again. I think I've FINALLY reached the point where I accept that I will never be as thin as I thought I should be and that as long as I eat a fairly healthful diet and exercise regularly and my doctors aren't concerned, I should just leave myself alone. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Amy. I'm glad you've gotten there, even if it's not 100% of the time.
ReplyDeleteIt's a lifelong struggle, or at the very least an ongoing process. Just about every woman in our culture feels the pressure, and increasing numbers of men and boys do, too.