I mentioned that I've struggled with an eating disorder.
I think most women in our society have had eating disorders at some points in their lives, whether they realize it or not. We think our constant dieting, our obsession with our weight and size, is normal. I learned to think about eating disorders as a continuum of behaviours. When thoughts become obsession and behaviours take over your life, there is a problem!
My problem took the form of obsessive dieting and weighing myself. I was addicted to weighing myself. And it took me a very long time to quit. I put the scale in an inaccessible place... and then stood on a chair to reach it. I put myself on a regimen, only allowed to weigh myself once a day, then every other day. I succeeded a bit. I relapsed. I lied to myself. I gave up. I started again. And so on and so on. Everything you know about addictions, I did that.
OK, maybe not everything. I didn't sell the TV to buy a fix, I didn't lose my job, it didn't end my relationship. But trust me, even something seemingly harmless as stepping on a scale can strangle you.
For a time, I tried weighing myself only at the gym. I was swimming. I would leave the pool feeling great -- loose, invigorated, happy. Then I'd get on the scale and ruin my day. Day after day after week after month, robbing myself of all those good feelings.
In the past 15 years, I have tried several times to lose weight in a healthy and non-obsessive way. I lose weight verrrrry slowly, and healthy weight loss is slow anyway. So if I don't weigh myself occasionally, I'm not going to see any progress -- and you need some kind of progress as positive reinforcement.
But that word occasionally... that's the sticking point. Keeping myself off the scale has been very, very challenging, far more difficult than any dietary adjustments. Stepping on the scale is a giant trigger. It opens the floodgates to a rush of self-loathing.
Before and after surgery, there is going to be a lot of weighing. A lot of stepping on the scale. How am I going to handle that?
I don't have an answer to this yet, and I'm okay with that, for now.
But this is one of my greatest concerns about the surgery.
I know it comes down to psychology and your own ability to replace the addiction with something healthy. But I find that keeping the temptation out of my house is always key to helping me keep on track. If the bottle of wine/jar of peanut butter isn't there, I have to think about going out to get it, and I usually don't. Maybe get rid of your home scale altogether? Then you are only weighed by the professionals, or at the gym. And if you're at the gym, that represents such healthy progress that maybe you can forgive yourself for weighing in there. But you also know it can work against you, so hopefully you'll be able to start resisting the urge. Just my random thoughts.
ReplyDeleteRemoving temptation is key! Especially since the entire bag of chips, bottle wine, whatever, must be consumed!
ReplyDeleteI agree. I think getting rid of the scale will be essential. I was thinking that I would have to weigh in, but I can do on my follow-up visits.
Right now there is a scale, but it's hidden among my partner's things... and he's a hoarder. No danger of me finding it. :)
LOL on the hoarder thing ... :-D
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