I've Tried It All... And I Don't Want To Go Back There (Eating Disorders Are More Common Than You Might Think)

When it comes to my weight (size, body image, etc.), I've been there and back. More than once. I gained a lot of weight in my mid-20s, and used one of the many popular diets of the day to lose it quickly. This was the first, and as it would turn out, only time in my life I was actually thin.

As the weight came creeping back, as it inevitably does, I started dieting. And dieting and dieting. I became obsessed with what I ate and with weighing myself. It was a horrible way to live.

I was like this at least 10 years, when, coincidentally, I needed to research eating disorders. I was shocked to recognize my own behaviour.

When many people think eating disorder, they imagine an extremely thin person, probably a young woman -- an anorexic. But there's a huge spectrum of eating disorders, covering a wide range of behaviours. Once I became aware, I would see eating-disorder behaviour everywhere. 

For me it took the form of being addicted to weighing myself, addicted to dieting, and obsessed with restricting my eating. I was probably only 10 pounds overweight at the time, but I was obsessed with trying to lose weight.

After recognizing this in my late 30s, I started seeing a therapist who specialized in eating disorders, and I worked hard to free myself of these obsessions. Eventually, I got there.

I stopped dieting. I stopped strictly policing my eating. I even stopped weighing myself. It took a long time, but it was glorious. It was so liberating! I gained some weight, but I was healthier, and happier. 

I also learned that the link between weight and health is greatly exaggerated. Obesity is a health risk, but those 5 or 10 extra pounds that women become obsessed with are not. They're not even extra.

But keeping people insecure and unhappy is an essential part of our consumer culture -- and the diet industry thrives on it.

So I stopped dieting, started enjoying my life -- and food -- more. I was maintaining a weight that was heavier than most people want to be, but I was healthy and felt good.

Now I've gained quite a bit more than is healthy. But I don't want the demands of bariatric surgery to undo all my hard work and my hard-earned freedom from these obsessions.

I'm afraid the surgery will be a giant trigger that sends me back to weight prison. Pre- and post-surgery, you're supposed to track your eating. And post-surgery, you need to track your weight loss.

How am I going to do that and stay sane?

I'm thinking a lot about this. I want to make it work.